Who am I
lost in oblivion
I hope he doesn’t mind
I only want to be lost
in me to get lost in
him he says he’ll never
leave me should I believe
him our world keeps spinning
jowls full of snarling
teeth help me rest easy
he’s my beast and
he’s not mine but
what does that mean?
twisting fingers searching
white sheets tock tock tock
he yells in my face then
whispers everything else.
Say it loud Sasch say it proud “who are you?!”
I am #calm I am #balance I am #quiet I am #patience I am #jealousy I am #protective I am #perseverance
I am #human
My poems aren’t always self-explanatory so I wanted to take the next couple posts to explain them. I figured I would start with my most recent piece and go backwards. This poem is one of the most recent ones I’ve posted on my Instagram page.
“Who am I”
Lost in oblivion I’m describing the different aspects of how I got to know myself. The first few months, took a whole lotta getting lost. There were (and still are) times when I stared at my computer screen and said out loud, “What am I doing?” to which I replied to myself out loud “I have no idea what the bleep I’m bleeping doing.” Then I YouTube it, Google it, or contact a friend. That’s an external example. Inside my head it’s a whole lot messier. I often ponder ideas and research them until I am surrounded by more options than I thought were available in the first place. That’s when I’m usually lost in oblivion. Those are times when I have no idea what I think or feel anymore. I usually crawl out of oblivion but sometimes I’m dragged out; whatever.
I hope he doesn’t mind I only want to be lost in me to get lost in him. Over the past couple years, I’ve taken the time to learn myself because loving others, comes naturally when you learn to love yourself. So I have been focused on my own growth and healing in order to love those around me better than I could before.
He says he’ll never leave me- Should I believe him- our world keeps spinning However as a human I struggle with my own insecurities. Doubt plagues me at times and the questions can definitely take me to a dark place in my mind. However long it takes me to fight the doubt, the world isn’t going to stop and wait for me. Life will go on with or without me.
wall-less halls- jowls of snarling teeth help me rest easy-As a human, comfort is a luxury we make many sacrifices for. As a writer, comfort is something that stunts our growth. Which leads me to a confession I feel I should share. I have a book and a piece I haven’t touched because they are uncomfortable, but I know “You can’t get out backwards. You gotta go forwards to get back.” one of my favorite lines on Willy Wonka. So I press on!
He’s my beast and my beginning- When I get to this place of no rules and my basic beliefs are questioned, my inner voice is my only comfort. I tend to have battles with my inner voice that aren’t about winning or losing, but growing.
he’s not mine but what does that mean- I have learned that I am not a piece of property and that no one else can be mine and mine only. I have territorial tendencies and sometimes I just need to let it go.
Twisting fingers searching white sheets- I usually find that the time I’m in between sleeping and waking, are the times where I hear my inner voice clearly. Sometimes it’s a revelation. Sometimes it’s an answer to a problem in one of my stories. Sometimes its me finally giving in to what my inner voice has been telling me all along.
Tock tock tock– I picked “tock” instead of “tick” because it makes me feel uncomfortable when I say it and time makes me uncomfortable in itself. Time isn’t against me but it’s not on my side either. It goes on whether I finish my goals or not.
He yells in my face then whispers everything else- Sometimes my answers come loud and clear and sometimes I have to go digging for them.
Thanks for taking the time to read my poetry and what it means to me. I think its important to remember that poetry has many meanings. Today this explanation could be head on, but tomorrow it may mean something completely different. If you find more depth in it, please don’t stay shallow on my behalf. Words mean very different things to everybody and I don’t want to stand in your way if you are on to something!