Fill it with your insides

If you want something done right you need to put your entire soul into it. Leave the mindless work for those with no soul. Turn yourself inside out and bleed.

The soulless lifestyle comes with a mindless routine that on the surface looks attractive. I wouldn’t have to think for myself. Someone would feed me the information I need to be successful. They would tell me where I need improvement which would require me very little self-reflection and they would even reward me with monetary gains. I crave it. I crave a weekly paycheck. I crave a retirement package and security for my loved ones after I’m gone. I crave money and my own financial contribution to my home. I want to pay all the bills and buy my own car and house and whatever falls under being the bread winner. But the amount of soul that I would have to sacrifice in order to instantly have those things is no longer worth it.

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When I started my job at 17 it wasn’t for the money. It was for the long run. It was to gain hands-on experience before I went to college. Then when I had my princess, the future changed which changed purpose of my work. It turned into working for the money and I lost myself as an employee. “I love my job” I tried to convince myself. “This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know it is.” But I couldn’t hide from the idea that I wasn’t making enough money to provide for my daughter. Though she was well cared

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for, I still lost myself (as I’m sure most single mothers do when the stress of finances falls on them.) It took a bloody night in the emergency room to wake up to all the parts of me that had fallen asleep. Is this what it looks like to be alive? Is this me, the girl who started her job to make a positive impact on others who, like myself, felt they didn’t have what it takes to succeed? I was jolted awake and no longer interested in soulless contributions. It was time for me to heal my soul. With that shift, I knew I would have to sacrifice my securities so that I could get back on to the path I dreamed of as a young girl. I had to be reminded that it’s ok to go without if I work with a full soul. That it takes time, sacrifice, effort, and thinking to reach my goals. This is a life long endeavor and I will constantly have to pull away from mindless routine but I will attempt to fight it everyday. With an army behind me and my goals in front of me, I will continue to push for my dreams.

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Carving

Don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold.

Bob Marley

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